I sometimes feel that my depression is worse now than it has ever been. But then I think, how could my depression now be worse than the two month long episode I had fifteen years ago or back when I self-medicated with alcohol? How is what I am presently feeling remotely worse?
It’s scary when my mind works against me. Today was a horrible day. I sat in front of my computer at work and tried not to cry. I did little tasks as they came up but my mind was so numb and raw. All I could think about was coming home and going to my bedroom, shutting the door, and laying in the dark. The silent dark. I am functioning at a very low level today.
Laying in the silent dark is exactly what I did when I got home. I shut myself away from my beautiful family. My little dog Arya came to lay with me and as I ran my fingers through her fur, I fell asleep. My alarm went off to tell me that I had to leave for yoga practice. I pushed snooze twice, convincing myself I didn’t need or want to go. Laying in my bed alone is where I wanted to be.
I somehow found the strength to get up and go to yoga. It was my first time attending a class at the studio I chose and the moment I entered the studio, I thought “I belong here.” I did an hour long practice focusing on my breath and doing only what my body could in the moment. I didn’t push myself beyond even though I know I am capable of more. Allowing myself to be fully present in the moment is what I love about yoga.
I came home and returned to the comfort of the darkness in my room. My husband asked if I was OK and I said, “no but I am fine.” My daughter came out of her room to ask how yoga was and I described the lovely plants through out the studio then sent her back to bed.
I worry that my days like this are becoming more frequent. I know this is not the worst that I have been, far from it. But maybe I need to look at changing my medication dose. I’m not sure. It’s scary when your mind works against you and you want so much more for yourself.