There is no mental health manual that lists out the milestones that we are supposed to celebrate. Every journey is different and each one of us sees achievements in a different way. Right now I want to celebrate that I am comfortable being around alcohol without any desire for it.
I kissed my husband on Friday evening and his lips tasted of beer. I thought about it for only a few seconds and how alcohol had not touched my lips since February 14, 2016. I otherwise was not phased and I just moved on with the task I was working on. My ability to focus has grown considerably.
I can only imagine how I would have reacted had I kissed his lips with the taste of beer on them before mid-summer. I was still sorting out what I needed to do to feel comfortable around alcohol. A quiet moment on a dock early in the morning made it all come together for me. I don’t really have words to express it but in that moment something had changed within me.
I am fairly certain that there is beer in our fridge right now. I don’t know for sure though. If I did see it earlier in the day, I looked past it. I have absolutely no interest or temptation for alcohol. For the most part it is not on my radar unless someone brings it up in conversation.
I do however recognize that soon the Christmas season will be here and last year I struggled. I made a visit to my therapist for a check up and I am prepared to do it again if I feel the need. I am not going to pretend for a second that I am invincible and can handle sobriety completely on my own. I know with certainty that if I told my husband that I was struggling that he would remove his beer and not bring it back until I was comfortable, even if it was never.
I need to honour my journey and not keep any emotions tucked away. My continued success will come from being authentic with myself and not pretending to be someone I am not. It would be a disservice to myself if I did not honour how I feel.
I have emense gratitude for the life I have now and the road that has brought me here. I wouldn’t be as strong as I am without the struggle. I have forgiven myself for treating myself the way I did. I did what I had to do to get my needs met. My needs are now different. I honour the past, present, and future.