This whole week I have felt low with scattering negative thoughts in my mind. Depression has reared it’s ugly head again. As I write this, I want to go back to bed where there is darkness and heaviness from my duvet. I took my medication and I am sipping a Starbucks coffee. I am waiting for something to change.
Arya, my little dog has come to me and is sitting in my lap. She is the dog that soothes and comforts me. She helps me feel soft and at peace. She has anxiety issues, most commonly when a storm is approaching or actively happening, but sometimes when there is no explainable reason. I think her and I understand each other on a whole different level. I take care of her when she is scared and unsure and she takes care of me when I am low and hurting.
I lacked desire and physical ability to get out of bed every single morning this week until the very last minute. I surprisingly was not late to work but cut it close. I felt bad for rushing my daughter, who had already been up for 45 minutes watching shows on her tablet while I still laid in bed, dozing and hitting my snooze alarm every ten minutes. I think of the things I could have accomplished in those 45 minutes. All week I told myself, get up earlier tomorrow and have a good cup of coffee. It didn’t happen, even once.
I went to bed early every evening between 7 – 8. I just didn’t want to be around anything, any longer. I wanted to hide and be by myself. I have massive amount of guilt from leaving my family to be by themselves for much of their waking hours when we could have been together. Instead, I laid in my bed with my duvet covering my head hoping for sleep to come soon.
Am I feeling this way because of winter and SAD? Do I need a change in my medication? Do I just need a swift kick in the ass? I hate feeling like this. I don’t know what I want to or need to do next. Thinking back to a session with my therapist when I decided to be sober, he said to take the problem times in 15 minute increments. I think that is what I need to do now.
My family is attending KidFish Ice Fishing Derby tomorrow in support of the Children’s Hospital Foundation of Manitoba and CancerCare Foundation of Manitoba. It will be our second year participating and if I have any hope of catching a fish, I better get my stuff together. I am off to my basement to put together our gear we need.
Damn I love the outdoors… Thanks for listening and reading. Had a lot to get off my chest.