The anxiety that I experienced on Sunday still weighs heavy on my mind. I believe that experience is the worst attack that I have ever had. Memories of other attacks have played back in my mind like a film strip and nothing comes close, not even the time I hid in a stairwell while I gained my composure while at a work event many years ago.
My mind and body were working against themselves on Sunday. I was stepping at a pace that I was not comfortable with, both physically and mentally. Upon further reflection, I was over exerted physically and my body was not given the rest it needed. All of this led to me hyperventilating. I felt like I was choking and I instinctively cupped by hands over my mouth and nose to help regulate my breathing. It was beyond scary.
My previous blog post led to a disagreement on a Facebook group where I shared my blog and I asked the moderator to shut down the comments. I have reached out to both people involved. The situation still does not sit well with me but I suppose that is what can happen when you put yourself in a place of vulnerability.
I have had the opportunity to connect with people through this blog and some have opened up to me about their journeys with mental health. I have had two people since my last post talk to me about depression, anxiety, and schizophrenia. Normalizing the conversation about mental illness is working and that is a big component of Backpack Chronicles.
I have re-committed to myself the importance of hiking and camping for my purpose. While I may still go with groups, I will be taking my own car instead of carpooling. I think had I driven my own car I would not have felt the need to keep up with the group. I am quite confident to be by myself on a trail.
My husband very much supports and encourages me to spend as much time as I want on the trail, doing what I need to do for me. He knows the importance that nature holds for me and how it continues to transform my life and in turn the life of our family. We reconnect about our day while he checks me for ticks.
I leave you with a new addition to the sound track of my life, The Mountain by Dierks Bentley.
Well you better know the bottom if you wanna be a climber
‘Cause there’s always another one a little bit higher
Just when I think I’m finally done I’m staring at another one
So I reach down deep and I lace ’em up tighter