Keeping My Head Above the Water

I anticipated the layoff from my job. I understand how business works. My husband and I talked about the possibility of it happening and even though I wasn’t surprised when my manager called me, it has been troublesome to adapt. I managed to keep my head above the water last week while trying to find my footing.

I slept every afternoon last week for around two-hours. These naps are very similar to the ones I have when I am in an episode of a heavy depression and this time around, I am aware of what I am doing. I don’t like it. I also started my period last week so I have no idea what to believe in my head. I was tired from the fight by the time the afternoon rolled around.

While I know it is okay to not be as productive as usual during a time like this, I am walking a fine line with my mental health and I need to stay very aware of it. I know myself and I spiral very quickly. I can only give myself so much grace before that grace changes to enabling poor decisions.

Image may contain: possible text that says 'Hs OKAY to NOT be at your MOST PRODUCTIVE during a FUCKING GLOBAL PANDEMIC'

I attempted to occupy myself on Friday with a puzzle. First, a 500-piece one that I deemed too difficult before even finishing the border followed by a 300-piece one that I quickly lost interest in. I am not reinventing the wheel with a new at-home interest. I enjoy puzzles from time to time. I find them to be relaxing and I enjoy the art work. I suppose I just did not have the focus in me on Friday. Darcy is a puzzle-wizard and we completed the 500-piece one together on Saturday.

Darcy commented Saturday evening that my eyes had a sparkle in them and that I looked happy. Completing the puzzle and spending three hours with him turned out to be the “win” that I needed after just merely keeping my head above water. I didn’t start the puzzle with the intention of it being day-changing. I just wanted something to do. Funny how life works.

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